Playing Along the Road

I love words.  I love everything about them:  Their history, their power, the emotion they engender that’s otherwise inaccessible, the profound joy of the
lines on a clean page, the sound they make spoken aloud, the sheer creativeness of mixing them together and how every single time they give miraculous birth to something brand new.  My idea of a good time is an eccentric friend and an American Heritage College Dictionary; opening it at random, pointing blindly on the page to select a new word, reading aloud the meaning of curious and obscure words.  The pictures along the borders make this tome feel complete, an absolute sensational experience.  It is my favorite dictionary and a favorite toy. 

But some words just don’t seem to fit their designated meaning.  Some seem to just beg to imply something else.  Like Penultimate used as a pun by me in a previous post, but what should clearly mean the ultimate-ultimate.  Duh.  “Second to last”?!  Really?  I don’t think so and I have never ever heard anybody utter that word.  It’s fated to non-use because its definition is just plain wrong.

There are others with similar fates.  We can rescue them though from their unfortunate designations and give them new life by affixing their proper meaning.  I’d love to hear yours.  Here are a few of mine.

Behoove – 1.  To become hoofed like the devil; to affiliate oneself with the devil in an attempt to fit in, slide, or sneak by.  2.  To pretend allegiance for one’s own benefit or survival. 
It would behoove you to pretend to love that new form your boss made up.

Chaplet – A diminutive British man.  
That chaplet seems to be looking up the ladies’ dresses.

Podium – 1.  A sad or regretful day.  2.  A day without monetary means.  This is a podium indeed.






Concerted – 1.  To have been taken to a concert, or a show, without one’s willingness.  2.  To be compelled unwillingly into a chore or task by another.  Harry was concerted into visiting his mother in law.

Dispirit - 1.  To make fun of a spirit while it is in corporeal form.  2.  Slang, to reference a specific spirit as opposed to another.
No, it’s dispirit over here that’s making all the ruckus.  
 
Robust – 1.  A particularly firm bust on a female; a bust a female acquires through rowing (thought to have derived from female rowing teams).  2.  Regional, thought to denote small breasts, ‘fish egg’ size.
Now that is a robust!
 
Parchment – To be in a particularly dire state of thirst
After the desert hike, Harry sure was in a parchment.

Parataxis – A little known tax deduction available only to couples.  All but non-existent in modern times since the great Singles Revolt of ’87.
Poor Harry no longer could claim a parataxis after the divorce.

Parapraxis – Often confused with “parataxis” but actually denotes a highly successful form of physical humor known as “slapstick” in which one act or

“joke” quickly follows another, tying the two acts together.  Anecdotal; a movement know as The Age of the Three Stooges attempted to add a third act to this complex repertoire, without success.  It is a tenant of Stoogestorians that this was the reason the group could never successfully retain a consistent character known as “Curly.”
Only Moe and Larry could really pull off a successful parapraxis.
 
Bellboy – Male spawn of Quasimodo
Nobody knew who in the world could possibly be the bellboy’s mother.

Sickle – A person that calls in sick to work frequently.  Often assumed to be feigned sickness or symptoms. 
My new boss is a real sickle.

Sycophant – A rapidly expanding species of an elephant-snake hybrid typically found in the badlands of America Corporateland that is known to be particularly

ingratiating and accommodating.  Folklore; it is rumored that sightings have been made of this creature actually using its own tongue to lick up messes made by its owners.
The sycophant rushed in at the close of the meeting to loudly proclaim his allegiance to the New Form just proposed by the manager.

Sidereal – The side of a ‘two-faced’ person thought to be the genuine or authentic person or personality.
She may fool others, but Harry believed he knew the sidereal of Nancy.
 
Soporific – A widely popular or well-done daytime television show commonly known as “Soap Operas”.
Ever since the new soporific hit the air, Harry’s life took on new meaning.